Dear Srila Prabhupada,
I was aimlessly wandering in this world trying to look for pleasure. Some told me that the only way to be happy in this world is to become materially successful. “If you have power and position and possessions, then you will become the happiest person in the world.”
I thought I got the formula to be happy and peaceful in this world.
But during the course my journey I found that happiness eludes me. When I looked at the life of so-called materially successful people, I found that they too are miserable. Although they might not be aware of it. And the one thought which always haunted me was that even if I become the richest person on the planet earth, even if I become the most powerful person on this planet earth but it won’t last for long. Any day without any prior information death will come knocking at my door and will take me away.
With all my intelligence I will not be able to save my life. I will not be able to bribe death with all my wealth. And even with all my power I will not be able to overpower death. Death will not allow me to carry anything of this world. Whatever I have accumulated I will be forced to leave here. I will have to leave behind my family members and my friends.
What is the value of money, power, and position in this world? All are useless.
So, what should be done? What is life? Who am I?
If everything is meant to end finally then let it end now.
If I have to die, then why not I kill myself and end everything.
I thought let me finish my life because it is useless.
But I found that I do not want to die. I want to live. I want to exist. I want to feel happy. I want to enjoy my life. I want to sing. I want to dance. I want to have wonderful relationship with the people.
If I am nobody just meant to die, then from where these feelings are coming. Why my heart wants love? Why my eyes want to see things which are beautiful? Why I am looking always for happiness? Why I do not want to suffer? What is this world? Why the sun rises every morning and then sets every evening? Why every living creature of this world are struggling to live? Why no one wants to die? Everyone wants to live. Everyone wants to just enjoy their life.
I found I am pleasure seeking. I hate to be miserable.
But I had lost interest in the world. I had lost interest in the studies. I had lost interest in the people. Because nothing gave me any pleasure. I was not living my life. I was simply dragging my life. Yes, my impurities were forcing me do get involved in non sensical material activities.
But it was not me. My mind was dragging me to get indulged in such activities. After wasting my time in worldly pleasure-seeking activities, I cried with tears sometimes and without tears many times.
I read several books of the scientists to know about the world. It did not give me any answer. I turned towards many religious people, read their books but did not get any satisfactory answer.
And then I met the devotees of Krishna. I was desperate to know the truth. They gave me your books. I began reading your books, hearing your lectures. In started attending the classes.
One by one my doubts were getting answered. I wanted to know more. I wanted to know everything.
I remember during one of my first few visits to Radha Kunjabihari temple in Iskcon Pune. During Guru Puja I saw devotees happily worshipping you and dancing in front of you. I thought who are you? Why all are worshipping you? Why should I worship you?
When I read your books, I found that it is filled with pearls of wisdom. For the first time ever in my life, I found that your books, your lectures have all the answers to all my questions. The answers were convincing, filled with logic.
The more I read your books, more I heard your lectures, more I read about you my love for you kept on increasing.
This flickering material world was frustrating me, burning me, torturing me. I did not know what to do.
But you came in my life like a monsoon rain. You cleared all my doubts.
I do not want to die because as a soul I am eternal. So, I want to live eternally.
I seek pleasure because because as a soul I am pleasure seeking. So, I hate to suffer.
I want wonderful relationship with all because in the spiritual world every soul has wonderful relationship with others. So, I hate to be alone.
I was wandering in the forest filed with thorny bushes and venomous serpents. But like a caring father you held my hand and revealed to be the most important secret which was the cause of all my sufferings.
You revealed to me that I belong to Krishna. Krishna is my father, my mother, my friend, my best well-wisher. You told that Krishna is the Supreme Lord; he is the Supreme Truth. But unfortunately, I left him to enjoy away from him.
You also revealed to me the spiritual world and told me that I belong to the spiritual world which is eternal and full of bliss. This temporary material world is not my original home, but the spiritual world is my original home.
I do not know why I left Krishna. But today I know that I want only to be with Krishna.
My frustration with the life ended by your mercy.
However, during my spiritual journey, I have understood one important thing – the process to attain Krishna is simple, but it is not easy. No one in the entire universe can stop me from becoming a devotee of Krishna but my mind. It is my mind which is my fiercest enemy. I see other people as my enemy. I see others doing harm to me. I see people making plans to insult me, to put me down. But when I go deeper, I find that it is my mind which is creating feeling of pain and pleasure for me.
Dear Srila Prabhupada, you gave me the address of the eternal world where you reside eternally with your and my beloved Krishna. You also showed me the path following which I can reach you in the spiritual world.
But my mind, always knocks me down. And almost all the time I am helpless in front of my mind. I know that if I ignore my mind, if I do not surrender to my mind and with grit practice devotion to Krishna then all the miseries of my life will vanish in a moment. But I am extremely weak in front of my mind. Because for millions of lives, I have served only one master faithfully which is my mind.
I have become so accustomed to serving my mind that I do not have courage to say no to it. My mind has become extremely powerful. It has bound me from all the sides. No matter how much I try I fail to free myself from its clutches. So, on this auspicious occasion of your appearance day, I pray at your lotus feet to free me from the clutches of my evil mind. It has devastated my life.
Dear Srila Prabhupada, Please give me strength so that like Avantī brāhmaṇa in all situations and circumstances I should tolerate the urges of my mind. Nothing in this world should agitate me. Nothing in this world should allure me. For me pleasure and pain remain the same. Happiness and distress should not distract me from my eternal goal.
I never had much desire to continue living in this world. At this very moment too I to not have any love for my life. I do not fear death. In fact, I never feared death. I always feared life.
But after coming to Krishna Consciousness I neither fear death nor life. But I only fear one thing a life devoid of Krishna consciousness.
Dear Srila Prabhupada, please shower your mercy upon me that in whatever situation and circumstances I may be in I continue chanting the Hare Krishna Mahamantra minimum 16 rounds a day. And I never break any of the four regulative principles.
I pray at your lotus feet millions of time again & again to free me from the clutches of my mind.
There are so many wonderful devotees of Krishna who are doing wonderful service for Krishna as per your instructions. But most of my time gets wasted in struggling with my life. Please bestow your mercy upon me so that I may also do at least something for Krishna.
My heart is filled with lust, greed, pride, anger, envy, illusion and false ego.
I came away from Krishna because I wanted to be away from Krishna. I was selfish. Today also when I look within then with utter shame, I want to admit that I am still selfish. Whatever I do I do it for myself. I always think about myself.
The foremost quality of a devotee is that he does not have any selfish motive. He does not have any enjoying mentality. But I try to enjoy my life without Krishna, without you and without the devotees.
And even when I try to serve you then my mind forces me to serve my ego.
I am in a helpless situation because of my mind. I know that as long as this material body remains, I will have to live with my mind. So, the only way to defeat the mind is to purify it. And I do not have the willpower and purity to purify my mind.
Dear Srila Prabhupada, I beg at your lotus feet to purify my mind free me from the clutches of my evil mind.
And shower your unlimited mercy upon me so that I can serve Krishna selflessly, I serve you selflessly, I serve the devotees selflessly and I serve the entire humanity selflessly.
Dear Srila Prabhupada, I am eternally grateful to you for all you have given to me. I am not qualified enough to express it in proper words. Or I think there are not enough words which can ever glorify you.
Today the whole world especially the devotees are celebrating your Vyasa Puja. On this most auspicious day, I just want to say “Thank You” for everything. And I beg you to continue guiding me forever.
Your eternal insignificant servant
Purushottam Nitai Das
